John was educated at Irvine's prestigious Castlepark Primary and Ravenspark Secondary schools and made over forty appearances for Dreghorn Boys Club FC between 1985 and 1987. John's impressive height and girth immediately marked him out as a bustling centre-forward, before his shot-stopping potential and complete inability to use his right foot was spotted and he was moved to left-back. Fondly remembered for his marauding runs down the left flank and subsequently fluffed crosses, John scored one goal in his career, but it was ruled out for offside.

"Moan tae fuck ref! Affside?!" chided team manager Mr Sinclair from the touchline, "They're only weans!"

Unfortunately the referee's decision stood, and the record books show a 2-0 defeat to Hawkhill for Dreghorn that day.

In the Spring of 1987, Dreghorn under-12s went to Liverpool on tour. The team lost all three of their matches, but John visited the cathedral, ate his first ever pizza in a restaurant and saw Bread being filmed. The following week John fell off a rope swing onto a shopping trolley that had been pushed into the burn in Castlepark woods, and sustained a nasty cut to the shin of his left leg. The scar is visible to this day.

John's lot has not improved significantly since then, and he now spends most of his free time wearing a blue cagoule, pretending he's going to go swimming on Saturday mornings, reading Coronet Peanuts paperbacks and listening to Matthew Wilder while on the verge of tears.